Column #14: Your fun and my fun aren't the same

If you like to have fun, you’ve probably bothered me on at least two recent occasions.

I like fun, but I hate your fun. Most of the fun I enjoy includes normal, mainstream, socially acceptable activities, sometimes involving alcohol and/or nudity. I’m certainly not some prim preacher shouting about the declining moral fiber of this nation. Nothing good ever happened without declining morals. I just hate the way that many of you, who aren’t me, have fun.

First, let’s talk about adult beverages. Have you heard the good news? Being an adult means that you can have a drink pretty much any time you want! So, enjoy!

St. Patrick’s Day: I like Irish folks and their culture, but I also like plenty of other cultures, too. Is there a reason why you still, way past college age, get all excited about a day where you tell yourself that it’s cool and awesome to drink beer for 12 hours straight? Isn’t that what Saturdays are for already?

Have you heard about Cinco de Mayo? That’s a great example of another culture I appreciate, those masked wrestlers who speak Spanish and their relatives. You do know that they will be the majority of this country before next Tuesday, yes? If nothing else, the weather is much better in May, and I have fun being outside when it’s not still 38 degrees, like it is in March. Still, I don’t see that overtaking St. Patrick’s Day as our national day of drinking any time soon.

Is it less popular in Louisville because it occurs two days after Derby, and you’re still hung over from drinking overpriced, watered-down Mint Juleps? I’ve been to Derby twice, and I’ve had the worst Mint Juleps of my life there. How many of you really love watching horses race and spend more than two minutes a year doing so? Also, how often do you do it while dressed up like someone who thinks that fashion hasn’t evolved since Gone With the Wind?

Speaking of dressing up like a jerk, why is Halloween still fascinating to people who are older than 8? Last year, I’ll bet that 4 in every 5 big city Americans dressed up like Lady Gaga. If you want to be special and have everyone tell you how original and interesting you are, why not dress up like Lady Gaga on a random night six months before Halloween? At the bar, everyone will talk about you, and I bet you’ll drink for free all night – especially if you’re a dude.

Is it that everyone just wants to follow the crowd, and only be “weird” when no one will actually notice? If I’d had a choice, I would’ve loved to have gone through this life as Weird Al Yankovic.

I like music, movies, TV, art, food and beverages, socializing and a good laugh. Life is to be enjoyed whenever possible. But I can’t think of anything less fun than watching Dancing with the Stars. Seriously, people, why do you hate dance so much? Also, why is watching reality TV stars dancing badly more fascinating than watching them raise children badly?

Also not funny: April Fool’s Day. Tell friends that you’re quitting your job and becoming born again on a day when people aren’t expecting some lame attempt at shock. See if that gets ‘em rolling in the aisles.

My outsider view of fun surely stems from my childhood, where I was raised Jewish and loved playing baseball. It’s hard to enjoy Christmas, Easter and the Super Bowl under those circumstances. I never understood “Good Friday” – isn’t every Friday good?

At the very least, can your fun not inconvenience me? Can I get a good latte on Christmas? Can I drive downtown while you stare at minor league fireworks? Can your college basketball not preempt my TV shows?

Please, think about me next time you want to have fun. You’re probably doing it wrong.

c. 2010 Velocity Weekly