Bail Yourself Out part 3

You're being attacked by a bear

If you're being attacked by a bear, chances are pretty good that you're not in Metro Louisville. The few bears that live in Kentucky most likely reside somewhere east of‚ well, any city in this state.

But let's say you're at a party that's gotten really out of control, maybe out on a farm near Bardstown. You stumble into the woods to relieve yourself, and bump into a black bear doing the same. And he's not happy about the intrusion.

(Again: highly unlikely; there's a much better chance that you'll be attacked by Mitch McConnell.)

Still, better safe than sorry. What should you do?

"Probably the best thing is to curl up in a ball in a fetal position," said Bobby Fiske, who works at Quest Outdoors in Crescent Hill when he not out tromping in the woods.

What? I shouldn't run? Or climb a tree?

"Don't confront it, and don't run," Fiske said. "They will chase you. They can climb trees, so that would be a horrible idea. If you curl up, they won't try to eat you. They're omnivores — they'd rather not mess with something that's hard to kill."

Prevention is your best bet. Fiske recommends something called a "bear bell."

"They're designed to let them know that you're coming," he said. "They'll stay away if they hear you."

Anything else?

"Bear mace is more effective if you're being attacked," said Fiske, whose resume also includes Eagle Scout. "That's got a 25-foot foot range on it. It's not like a little cloud — it sprays quite a distance."

Okay, so we've established that I should curl up in a ball while jingling a bear ball, and if that doesn't work, be ready to mace the bear to defend myself. Did we forget anything, Bobby?

"Don't feed bears," he said.



c. 2009 Velocity Weekly

Bail Yourself Out part 2

That guy at the coffeehouse won't shut up

People often go to coffeehouses for reasons beyond that invigorating shot of caffeine. The coffeehouse's role as a so-called "Third Place" — neither home nor work — has been written about often. It can be a communal place to meet a friend or make a new one, find love, plan a protest march or get a little free therapy courtesy of the bored barista.

For some, it is a place to work quietly yet still be comforted by the presence of other humans — a cozy spot to study, listen to Slim Whitman on your Sony Discman or write three pages of that novel that you will never finish.

So what can you do when you are suddenly cornered by some friend-of-a-friend who is determined to talk to you about Obama/the weather/the situation in Palestine?

"This happened to me yesterday — I was the annoying old friend," said Todd Schartung, a regular at Sunergos Coffee in Germantown. "A friend from my old job came in. I hadn't seen him for a while and he acted all happy to see me. But before the conversation was over with, I was talking to the door. He was on the other side, headed out with his wife. And his wife waved, but he didn't."

Kane Holbrook, meanwhile, uses the old "get up and go to the restroom" ploy.

"You tell him you have chronic diarrhea and you really must go to the bathroom," he said. "You say, 'My IBS is really buggin' me.'"

What if you're the barista who's trying to work and that customer just won't move on?

"You get a co-worker to tell you that you really need to help him find a very important invoice," said Holbrook, who makes your lattes and cappuccinos at Sunergos. "That seems to work best for us, because that happens quite often."

And what if that doesn't work?

"A guy who tells me stories all the time came in. I just told him, 'I don't care,' and walked away from him," said Sunergos barista Eric Hammond, with a laugh.

c. 2009 Velocity Weekly

Bail Yourself Out part 1

Your landlord won't fix stuff in your apartment

It's July, and the air-conditioner still doesn't work. Or it's January, and the hot water barely trickles out of the showerhead. Your landlord? He's not answering the phone. You really don't want to move, but do you have any choice?

It depends.

"You should be careful to clearly read how the lease is drawn up," said Jack May, principal broker and realtor at May Team Realtors.

"In some cases, the tenant is only responsible for things like plumbing issues. In other cases, the landlord is responsible for everything. The landlord can't turn off lights or electricity, or do stupid stuff like change the locks on you. If something like that happened, the tenant needs to talk to an attorney if the landlord isn't living up to expectations."

May advises people in this situation to search Google for "KRS 383.595," which is the Kentucky statute that lists the rights of both renters and landlords.

According to Soha Saiyed, a housing law attorney with the Legal Aid Society, you need to send the landlord a written notice specifying the problems that need to be repaired.

"This notice should specify the acts and omissions constituting the maintenance issues," Saiyed said. "The tenant must give the landlord 14 days to remedy the problems. If the landlord has made no attempts at repair, the lease is terminated on the 30th day after the notice was received."

In some cases, you may be able to get some help from the government.

"Whenever a tenant feels as if there are significant conditions affecting health and safety, they should contact the (city) department of codes and regulations," Saiyed said. "They will send an inspector out to review the code violations and cite the property owner, if applicable."

For example, the Louisville housing code requires landlords to maintain adequate lighting in public hallways and stairwells in their buildings.

Going to court is an option that many might assume is out of the hands of the average renter. Though such action would cost a tenant time and money, May reminds that, "It's time and money for the landlord, too."

Make sure that every complaint is documented. "Even if a tenant thinks a verbal agreement with the landlord has been made, written notice will carry far more weight in court," Saiyed advised.

c. 2009 Velocity Weekly