Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Column #9: We snobs need to stand our (superior) ground

I am a snob. Or, at least that's something I have heard... umm, let's just say more than twice in my life so far. But what is a "snob", exactly? My copy of Wobster's Dictionary defines the term as meaning, "One who enjoys the very best in every walk of life. One who does not settle for whatever is easiest or most convenient, or most understandable to the person in the next cubicle." You may be saying, "Wobster's Dictionary? You think your so smart but you can't even spell!" No, actually, I was trying to be funny. Also, I know the difference between "your" and "you're", and I’m dang diggity tired of people like you telling me that I’M a snob just because I learned at some point in my life what the difference is between "your" and "you're"!

Still with me? I promise, I'll calm down for a moment. OK, but seriously, people, I see you all "becoming a fan" of "Knowing the difference between your and you're" on Facebook all the time, and yet a third of you still do it. Also, at the risk of sounding like a "snob," I feel fairly confident that my social networking circle is amongst the top percentile of smarty mcfarties in the greater Louisville Metro Facebook world - yet, still, I see this mistake inflicted on the literate public several times a week. Maybe you folks aren't as smart as I want to believe. After all, I see many of the same educated, cultured people also "becoming a fan" (yes, I need the quotation marks; you don't really expect me to use the phrase with a straight face, do you?) of the concept that "The dislike button is here! Add it now! LOL OMG YMCA!" No, friend, the dislike button is not here.

I have not sat down or drove through to eat a meal at the majority of the fast food chains that are ruining the health, wealth and moral fiber of this country since 1996. I haven't even read a single book by Michael Pollan, and yet I realized that all of the junk is just that, junk. I'm tired of having to defend myself against other educated, insightful adults who call me a "snob" for eating the best tasting, healthiest, localest food that I can find instead of shoving two corporate death burgers down my throat and calling it dinner. I love meat! I love hamburgers! I will gladly pay $10 for the burger at Bourbons Bistro on Frankfort Avenue any time, because it is huge and crazy delicious.

Two of my favorite records this year were by the bands Grizzly Bear and Animal Collective. My own editor wrote that people like me "pretend to like them to feed your own superiority complex". I also think that Slayer is still awesome, and that Lady Gaga is the greatest thing to happen in way too long. I also referenced a 25-year-old punk rock song in the previous paragraph; I don't really say things like
"corporate death burger" in conversation, but I love my old punk and will not apologize for puking every time Rolling Stone hails Green Day as the saviors of rock 'n' roll.

I might have digressed away, at points, from my "snob" rant, but I think the points I made above were valuable and will make this world a better place. In fact, I can prove very quickly that solving all of this world's problems starts with you, beloved reader. How? The people who read columns in arts and culture free weeklies are the very people who get pegged as "snobs" by people who probably should be doing some more reading in the first place. (Don't tell them that I said that, they're very big and like to punch people). If you, the ones who are supposed to be good at spelling and retaining knowledge can't perform certain basic functions, then what chance do we have?

c. 2010 Velocity Weekly

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